Charlie Blonde on Nostalgia, Inspirations, and New Single “LUCKY STAR”

I first discovered Chicago based artist, Charlie Blonde, while scrolling through TikTok in late autumn last year. The new Pokemon game had just come out and I spent my evenings after work playing through the Scarlet version while the sun set outside my apartment. It brought me back to an earlier time in my life, a time that was simpler. I get nostalgia really easily. I moved to San Francisco four months ago and I already get nostalgic for the first few weeks here. I tend to associate sounds, smells, and feelings with different points in my life, different memories. It’s a weekly ritual of mine to look back in my camera roll just to reminisce and see how far I’ve come. When the first Charlie Blonde TikTok made its way to my feed last November, I was struck by how beautiful the song playing in the background was. That song was “PRETTY BOY,” Charlie’s first single. Accompanying the track were some pictures of Pokemon, point-and-shoot photos of smiling people, images with mysterious origins, and the caption,

“I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT GENRE WHEN I WAS MAKING THIS SONG, I THOUGHT ABOUT NOVEMBER WHEN I WAS A KID. PLAYING POKEMON DIAMOND, CRASHING BIKES AND CRUSHING LEAVES. ALL OF MY MUSIC WILL CHASE DAT FEELING.”

To me, “PRETTY BOY” feels like the bitter cold of November in the weeks leading up to winter. It feels like playing old video games in your childhood bedroom. It feels like fallen leaves and marigold sunsets that serve as reminders that there is still warmth in the world. Examining Charlie’s feed, most of his TikToks were like this, some pictures with a curated aesthetic accompanied by “PRETTY BOY’s” outro. As much as I experience nostalgia, its usually for things in my own life. It’s through internet culture and the communities I’ve found myself in that I’ve begun to experience nostalgia for more general feelings. “PRETTY BOY” is an example of this for me. It seems the song had this effect on other people too. Some of the comments on that original video read,

“Like sometimes music doesn’t need a genre like we all feel the same feelings from this song and I think that’s enough” - @chaseacannon

“I miss those TIMESSSS 😭😭 this song really does remind me of that!! I LOVE it!! - @hayz2021

“makes me want to keep chasing for more. 😫” - @dpr.kayp

I’m usually cynical when people self advertise on TikTok. There’s a bit of a stereotype for up and coming artists to overhype themselves and say things like, “Did I just write the song of the summer??!!” Charlie felt genuine to me however. This very successful attempt at making me feel something from 30 seconds of a song and a couple of pictures, combined with some of my favorite artists like Jane Remover, Porter Robinson, and Wylie Hopkins tagged as inspirations, made me want to check out “PRETTY BOY” for myself. The song had just a couple thousand plays when I discovered it and I listened to it on loop throughout the rest of the month. I pride myself in being able to find the “next big thing,” I discovered Jane Remover the night she dropped Teen Week and glaive right after he released “astrid.” I think Charlie Blonde is going to be big. I decided to follow him on Instagram and eagerly await his next move. I’m off TikTok now and this year was relatively quiet for Charlie so I was pleasantly surprised when he announced a new single “LUCKY STAR” in late November, over a year after I started listening to him. To only have one song out and for it to resonate so deeply with me is a personal experience unparalleled by any other artist. Because of this, I decided to reach out for an interview. Charlie graciously agreed to talk with me over FaceTime last Friday.

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I want to start this interview by congratulating you on 100,000 streams on “PRETTY BOY!” I don't know, when you hit that milestone, but it looked like was fairly recently, right?

Yeah, it was pretty recent, I think like a month or two ago.

How's that feel to have a song with 100,000 streams?

It’s pretty wild. I forget who I was telling this, but it was really validating because I was working on all these songs that were a little bit weird for a really long time and I thought I was losing my mind a little bit. I couldn't tell if it was good, or if it was just weird. So when I put out that song, and a lot of people liked it, and then it got a lot of streams, it was very validating and cool in a very unique way. So, it feels amazing.

I’d imagine so, yeah. I noticed you reposted some people who had you in their Spotify Wrapped this year, which is pretty crazy since you just have one song out. How's how's that feel? Did you know any of those people?

No, yeah, I don't know any of those people so it's kind of wild. I mean, some of them didn't post on their story and tag me so I didn't put them on my story. But people would stream it, like 500 or 600 times, which is like — the song has been out for a year and I also only have one song — you had to stream that shit like two times a day, every day for the past year or something. It's really crazy, I can't like fully wrap my head around it. I think even at the point I'm at where I'm not a big artist by any framing of the definition, I still I get a lot of DMs from people who are like, “this song means a lot to me,” or, “this song means a lot to me and my girlfriend,” or, “me and my boyfriend,” and it's kind of wild. I can't fully wrap my head around the fact that I don’t know these people and they listen to this song and it has a different meaning for them. But yeah, I mean being in someone's top Wrapped is insane, it all feels really cool.

For sure. I mean, 500 streams, that's next level dedication. I don't know if I’ve streamed any song 500 times, so that's pretty awesome! Do you feel like you kind of have a fan base now? Are people starting to poke their heads in and reach out, or comment and engage with you?

Yeah, I get a lot of really cool engagement, I think especially from people who are already in the industry. And sometimes it comes across like, “do you have management?” or, “I want a piece of this if you're going to continue to grow,” or whatever. But I mean, a lot of the engagements is really sick. I don't know if a ‘fan base’ is the right word, but I remember when I first put out “PRETTY BOY” I was like — my whole concept for music was that I wanted to do something that was much more than just the way a song sounds — I want a song to be this all encompassing, artistic experience. I wanted music videos and the time of year that it released was super important. And all the imagery and all — like I wanted smells incorporate and I couldn't really do that — just because I don't have a budget or anything. But I remember when I was posting on TikTok, I tried to really hammer home the fact that it was coming from this super nostalgic place — and the colors, red and fall colors — and Nintendo DS and specific types of old video games. And like through my Spotify stats I can see what a bunch of people named their playlists. Or like, I know if you search certain things on Spotify, like if you search ‘Chao Garden,’ I think I come up. So it's cool in that way. I don't think a fan base is the right word, but I definitely appreciate everybody who listens and sends me a message and stuff.

For sure. So I guess now that you've got a song out — a song with 100,000 streams that’s getting some attention from some people — do you feel that its at all changed the way you go about your creative process? Or even when you were gearing up to release this next song, did you take anything new into account and change the way you went about that?

Yeah, that's a really good question. To answer the it plainly, definitely not, but there was a point where I was really happy with a lot of the music I was making and I wanted to release more and it was just as “PRETTY BOY” started to pick up momentum. I was getting contacted by management and record labels and A&Rs and stuff like that, and it kind of bummed me out because I was making music just for myself; as this outlet where I can express myself in a way that I can't without music. And even the tiniest bit of like imagining myself signing a record label or signing a deal, I could feel part of myself not being there and it bummed me out pretty bad. So I took a while without making anything before being like, “I know this is what I want to do,” and eventually being ready to release again. But yeah, the process of making something I haven't changed at all, and I don't think I ever will.

That's good. I mean, having followed underground artist for a while, I think a lot of people's downfall is giving into that pressure and giving into all of the offers, so sticking true to your morals and how you work as an artist super early in your career — I mean, I have no experience in the music industry — but I'm sure that’s a good thing for an artist like you. Going back to TikTok, is that how you initially intended to advertise your music to a larger audience?

I guess so. I think I mentioned that I make music just for myself. And it really was that way up until like, a week before releasing “PRETTY BOY.” I was like, “this part of myself means a lot to me and I put all this work in and I want people to hear it.” I guess, I want a lot of people to hear this because it means so much to me, but I don't really care about it getting popular.

“The process of making something I haven’t changed at all, and I don’t think I ever will.”

Totally, and I noticed a lot of the way you advertise is like, ‘if you like this artist, you should listen to me,” or, “if you like, these pictures…” or “this is an outfit that inspired the song.” When you post stuff like that, is it you putting what you like out there and seeing who else resonates with it or likes that type of stuff?

Kind of. When I make a song, I’ll usually have just the vocal melody written, and then I'll wait until I see a whole picture in my head. It's usually certain colors and people wearing certain things and doing certain things, and it's a certain time of the year. So for example, the song that I have coming out, “LUCKY STAR,” I could see this vision where I'm on a hill and I'm going through a breakup, and there's like a billion stars, and it's super surreal. And then at the bottom of the hill there's this football game — like kind of a coming of age, Homecoming, breakup type thing. And I didn't like feel like I could make the song until I saw that in my head. So then when I was posting on TikTok, I tried to provide imagery or wording that would have people also associate the song with that vision, so they can hear the song the way I intended it to be heard. I think ideally I would have the budget to make a video or something that would have that vision exactly, but for the time being that's kind of the goal or the motivation behind it.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, because the way I saw it — the way you were posting was just appeasing to me as a fan of all of the aesthetics that you associate with your songs and the artists that you tag as inspirations — but that makes a lot of sense that you're trying to paint the picture of what the universe of the song is to a wider audience. Switching gears a bit, you’ve tagged artists like Jane Remover, Porter Robinson, Wylie Hopkins, and Jean Dawson in your posts, what about their art resonates with you to the point where you would cite them as inspirations for your music?

Sometimes they're just some of my favorite artists at the time and sometimes I just think that their fan bases would enjoy my type of music. I think most of the time, it's some artists that I like a lot and I listened to a lot, and then once the song is done, and I reflect on it, I'm like, ”Oh, I can definitely see like the inspiration," like I listened to Nurture and Frailty a fuck ton, so I can like definitely see the electronic influence and all the crazy noises and shit when I look back on it. So I guess that's where I'm coming from, for the most part.

Yeah, that makes sense. So, not just who, but what, is inspiring you right now?

That's a good question. I play old ass Square Enix games like Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts just because they hit that sweet spot of like, it's too perfect; it's like a Disney movie, but it's a little weird and edgy. So there's a reason why there's older fan bases for them. I'm super, super into runway fashion. I read a lot of surreal fiction. And yeah, I'll go with those three. Kingdom Hearts, runway fashion and surreal fiction.

That's so cool! Switching gears again, you mentioned nostalgia plays a pretty clear role in the in the art you make. And for me, personally, I resonated a lot with your music for the same reason that I resonate with a lot of Japanese City Pop which is because it invokes feelings of nostalgia for things that I haven't personally experienced. My question for you is, how do you incorporate nostalgia into your music, more specifically what techniques do you use?

That's a good question. I've never thought about that directly. I'll put a lot of like — usually my songs end up being like 200 layers or something in Ableton — and a lot of those layers are like, weird ambience, like, a recording from like a park, or like, from a state fair or something. Or weird sound effects that remind me of cartoons. I think a lot of those kind of build up. I’ll also always put sound bites from TV shows or movies or interviews that I like a lot. I guess it's hard to put a finger on it. I'm always going for nostalgia and the nostalgic coming of age, high school feeling in a sound. So I wish I could, like, put more words to it…

No, yeah, I mean, I understand, it's hard to put words to a feeling. When you find a cool moment in an interview or soundbite or whatever, do you clip that as, “I'm gonna put that into a song,” or I guess, what order does that come in the song making process?

It usually comes last and it's usually from whatever I'm consuming that feels like it's part of that moment for me — like as I'm making the song — because making a song is usually like a one day thing for me. I’ll have it all in my head and I’ll sit down and zone out and then I zone back in and the song’s done. Sometimes it's instant like, when I put out “PRETTY BOY,” I was rewatching “Fooly Cooly,” and I was like, “okay,” so I just put my phone up as I was watching it and recorded it. And I was like, “that's done.” But for this one, “LUCKY STAR,” I was reading Richard Siken poetry, and there was one poem that I liked a lot, I think it's just called “You Are Jeff,” and I looked it up to see if there was any readings of it on YouTube. There's this girl with a beautiful voice that I knew who read it and she sounds amazing. But I knew I wanted it to say a specific thing, kind of like an amalgamation of this poem that meant a lot to me, and this girl's voice, who's beautiful and fits the song a lot, and the words that would fit the song and the aesthetic. So I had to download it, and then split the audio from the background music, and chop it up a little bit. Sometimes it'll fit directly and sometimes I have to mess around with it a little bit. It's just whatever feels right in the moment, I guess.

“I’m on a hill and I’m going through a breakup, and there’s like a billion stars, and it’s super surreal. And then at the bottom of the hill there’s this football game”

That's super cool, that’s the little outro, like the last the last couple lines in the song?

Yeah.

That's super cool! That leads me into talking about “LUCKY STAR,” I have been listening to it fairly nonstop for the last for the last week. Maybe not 500 times, but I think you've got something really, really special on your hands. I can tell a lot of time and love went into it, and you said in the Instagram post announcing it that you wrote the song in one night; did you also produce it all at that time? Or did you or do you go back to it?

Yeah, so I wrote the song, I’d just broken up with somebody. And I just didn't know what to do and I just I couldn't focus on anything. I tried to go exercise, but I couldn't walk around for that long and I wasn't hungry. I didn't know what to do and the only thing that made — it sounds so corny — but the only thing that like made sense to me was recording a song. It's like, I don't know how to express myself in that way unless it's through a song, it’s a heightened emotional level. So I turned on my voice memos and I recorded it. It was the first thing that I thought of; I just turned my brain off and that's what I recorded. Then a couple of weeks later, when I was more calmed down and I could work on stuff, it just kind of felt wrong to listen to, I was like, “this is too emotional and too raw for me to make a song out of,” so I just kind of put it away and I forgot about it for a while. Then, like a year later, I was like reflecting on that moment and that's when I kind of had that picture in my head of me on top of that hill, unable to do anything, and there's like million stars and the football field down below, and I was like, “that makes so much sense.” So I sat down on my computer and I recorded all in one day, and then I added those vocals from the original night, the original voice memo, and I was like, “this is so sick,” because it's my raw emotion and there’s all of the nostalgia surrounding it. So yeah, that's how it came to be.

So is it the original vocals? Like from the voice memo, those are on the song?

Yeah, and I already normally hate my vocals plus I was using ones that I didn't get to take a second take of, but I was like, “this is the only way it can be.”

Wow, I couldn't tell, but that makes it feel so much more personal. For all of your other songs — I guess you’ve only released one other song — but for other songs you’ve made, how do you decide when they're ready?

Oh, it's so hard. I attach so much of my identity to the songs that I've made and they're all in this one project that have all been under the same umbrella of motivation. I get like, 99% done with them and then I just stop because my unconscious is like, “this can't be ready, because if people hear it, then you can like never change it again.” And it's just weird, I think I know what songs ready when…

You just kind of know?

Yeah. Both times now that I've like uploaded a song it's been like I just knew, I was like, “this one's done and I'm ready for people to hear that and for me to never be able to change it again.” It’s a rare feeling. But yeah, I guess that's the only way I can describe it right now.

Yeah, I understand. I was looking back at your earlier Instagram posts and this TOMBOY album? It seems like it's been in development, at least through demos or just conceptually for a while. Has your idea for it shifted as you’ve aged and gone through more experiences? Or do you have a vision that you're sticking to?

The vision is the exact same as the day I made the first song, I think as I went along, I figured out more of what the vision was and exactly how it sounded and what exactly my connection to the sound was. I think it started off exactly the same, I'm just able to do it better now.

That’s awesome, I hope the vision you have for the album turns out exactly how you see it! So, you sort of have slogans for your songs, like for “PRETTY BOY,” its “AUBURN, FLASHING LIGHTS, FIREFLIES & BASEBALL TEES.” And then for “LUCKY STAR,” you have “HEARTBREAK AT 2000 BEATS PER MINUTE.” Going back to the the TOMBOY album concept, what slogan or descriptors would you attach to it?

Oh, it's SO hard. I usually I think of it as if I'm looking at the whole finished product. I've had the slogan, “A COMING OF AGE SOUND,” for a while. And I think I like using a very specific type of word that I don't have descriptors for; very colorful, weird words that kind of don't make sense that much. But yeah, I don't know. I think it'll have to come to me, but something about coming of age and something about a specific color. Probably pretty similar to the ones that I already have.

Do you think that idea has gained more clarity for you as you’ve developed the project over the last couple of years or so?

I think it's always been the same and I'm just still looking for the exact words for it. I've always imagined the same end product from the beginning. I think now that I'm just closer, I can see it better, if that makes sense.

Yeah, that makes sense. You were talking about earlier how everything in the way you're putting out music right now is intentional. If “PRETTY BOY” is a late autumn song, would you say “LUCKY STAR” is a winter song?

Yeah, I would say so. I’d say it's meant for exactly the day it comes out… I guess that’s all I can say about it. Better not put too many words to it, but it’s coming out at exactly the time it’s meant for.

What do you want the world to know about Charlie Blonde?

I think that I’d just want everybody to know that all of the music I make is exactly how I picture it in my head; and that I want to get to the point where one day I can take that picture and take everybody else's pictures and we could mash them together and make a perfect song for everybody.

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I want to thank Charlie again for taking the time to talk with me. His new single and second song ever, “LUCKY STAR,” is out now. You can listen to it here:

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My Queer Experience

My name is Jacob Seigi Silverman. I am 20 years old. I was born in Denver, Colorado and lived there until August 2023 when I moved to San Francisco. I am non-binary and gender fluid. I am bisexual. I am Japanese-American. I was raised Jewish but I identify as agnostic. I am an artist, a writer, a friend, a partner, and a human. I am queer. I would be lying if I said I valued all of these identities equally. Over time I have come to terms with all of my identities but they are constantly changing and evolving as I do. I still am not entirely sure who I am. I have many stories to tell.

Baby Jacob in the Princess Dress

My parents raised me to be proud of who I am. Growing up I took pride in being the only Japanese kid in my class and one of the only Jewish kids in a room of Christmas celebrators. I feel fortunate to have grown up in a time where I was taught that my differences were something to embrace and I loved telling everyone about who I am. 

Being different wasn’t always perfect though. My mom encouraged self expression, so when my younger sister got to wear a princess dress, I got to wear one too. When my sister got to paint her nails, I did too. I’ve always loved the color green. One day I went to kindergarten with green nails. Most of the kids in my class paid no attention to it, but my teacher complimented me on it, so I thought it was normal. Then, at the end of the day, a girl came up to me and said, “Why did you paint your nails? Boys can’t paint their nails. Do you have a penis AND a vagina?” My teacher intervened and reassured the class and I that boys can paint their nails, but the damage was done. I didn’t paint my nails again until I was 17. 

I first knew I was queer when I was 12 years old. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I went into the 7th grade feeling different in a way that I couldn’t pin down. I had only had crushes on girls but I always treated it as a formality. Having a crush on a girl made life interesting, it was something I deemed unattainable, something that my prepubescent self could pine after but never take action on. Because of this self set and societally encouraged expectation to have a crush on a girl, I didn’t have any friends who were girls. I only had friends who were boys. I spent all my time with boys, I liked spending time with boys. Did I have crushes on boys? I’m not sure but in 7th grade I became friends with girls who had crushes on girls. 

This opened up new possibilities for me. I came out to close friends as pansexual, then bisexual, then questioning. Over the course of 4 years I questioned my sexuality in silence, still only really having crushes on girls. When I was 16 I got my first girlfriend. In our 4 month long relationship I told her I was bisexual and have embraced that since. This label is not all too important to me; I’ve only been in one relationship since then, with my current girlfriend of the last year. I have had crushes on boys. I have had feelings for gender nonconforming people as well, but right now I’m in a queer relationship with a woman and I’m very happy.

My gender is something I didn’t think about much when I was young. Being taught that little boys could wear princess dresses and paint their nails erased any conception that this went against social norms and that is a good thing. I firmly believe that little boys can paint their nails and little girls can like race cars and that this is not a progressive take. My world has always encouraged this type of thinking so I do not think it is breaking the norm. People who enforce an ideology that assigns certain actions or objects to a certain gender are strange and insecure. Even so, this strange and insecure way of thinking is commonplace in most of the world. I pushed against it as a young person but it got the better of me in my own mind. I placed myself in the box of being a boy. Surprisingly, the internet was my saving grace.

SOPHIE

Music is probably the most important thing to me in life. I’ve always resonated deeply with music and feel deep emotional connections to songs by learning about the people who make them. In 2020 I discovered an online community of young musicians who were pushing boundaries while having fun with their friends. The demographic of this scene was overwhelmingly queer. Through these kids I learned so much about self expression, self acceptance, presentation, and what it means to be gender queer. I was exposed to the art of SOPHIE, Laura Les, and quinn; three trans-women who were all authentically out and themselves despite presenting in very different ways. The idea that you can be transgender without taking hormones or having surgery and that being transgender does not have to mean transitioning from one side of the binary to the other changed everything for me. 

underscores and I at her show at The Independent in SF - 10/24/23

When I discovered this community in 2020 I had no people in my life who were gender queer so I learned everything that I could from following different queer artists online. Most significantly, the works of two artists, Jane Remover and underscores, deeply resonated with me. Both Jane and underscores have come out as trans-women since I first became a fan of their projects. By observing the art they were making years ago and comparing it to the art they’ve released most recently, I’ve been able to witness them transition as people and grow as artists. This idea deeply moves me and bearing witness to their transformations helped me a lot in discovering who I am. While it is clear that they cover ideas around identity and gender in their music, the way I interpret their art and lyrics is completely by my own accord. 

Jane Remover and I at her show at the Gothic Theater in Denver - 11/29/22

2021 was a hard year for me. I’ve never been good at dealing with change, but the new year made me realize that I was about to be released from the bubble that I had been in my entire life. School was coming to an end, I had no plans for the future, and a number of relationships in my life were changing and ending. At the core of it all, the looming idea that I had no idea who I was plagued me every night as I blasted Jane Remover’s Teen Week EP under the glow of my pink LED lights. I began to do my own research. “Google, what does it mean to be gender fluid?”, “Can cisgender people use ‘they/them’ pronouns?”. The answers I got helped me come to a number of shocking realizations, most of which I was not ready to admit to myself quite yet.

On January 19, 2021 at 11:59 p.m., I decided I was going to grow my hair out. This decision directly contradicted my lifelong haircut routine of a buzz cut every three to six weeks. Did I like my hair long because it looked better? Yes, absolutely. Did I like my hair long because it made me feel less masculine? Maybe. Again, I didn’t want to admit these things to myself yet, but I wanted to change something, anything. 

One night, an artist I like named ericdoa, a cisgender man, announced he was experimenting with using he/they pronouns. I took this as a sign that it was okay for me to do the same. On Valentine’s Day 2021 at 12:51 p.m. I tweeted, “he/they,” officially marking what I consider the start of my gender journey. This decision was unanimously supported but sparsely acknowledged by my friends, who were the only people who knew. Anytime someone would refer to me as “they,” my heart would skip a little. It was affirming in a way I had never experienced before. I craved this affirmation more and more but didn’t want to be greedy. After a few difficult months I began to emerge from a depression and opened myself up to the changes brought about by spring.

On April 21, 2021, I changed the emphasis in my pronoun choice to “they/he.” In retrospect this decision may seem miniscule but I want to highlight it because at the time this was a huge deal for me and was a necessary step in my journey of gender discovery. As I became more comfortable with blossoming identity, I allowed myself to express my identity more and more. My hair got longer and my friends affirmed my gender through pronoun usage and encouragement of self expression and self love. Sometime in July 2021, I accepted to myself that I am non-binary. I came out to a few close friends to little surprise but lots of love. On August 1, 2021, I came out to all of my friends as non-binary.

At the time, my family was unaware of anything that was going on with me and my gender identity. When I moved out for college, I felt even less reason to open up to them. My parents have always been supportive of me, but the dynamic between us led to a power imbalance. By holding this part of my identity to myself, I felt like I was asserting my independence in my own, private way. Over Thanksgiving, I got into an argument with my parents which led to some difficult, but necessary conversations. We agreed to talk to each other as adults and gave each other some space. 

On December 5, 2021, my parents asked me about the pronouns in my Instagram bio which resulted in me finally coming out to them as non-binary. They had questions and have since worked with me to understand my gender identity better. I came out to my sister too, she didn’t care and loves me the same. I love my family, they’re the best and I am eternally grateful for them. I know not every queer person has a loving and supportive family, but every queer person deserves one.

In the years since 2021, I’ve continued to come into my own in terms of my gender identity. I’ve switched to using exclusively they/them pronouns, grown my hair out for over a year, tried out different clothing to discover what affirms my gender the most, and developed a sense of individuality in my definition of being non-binary. At the core of who I am is the simple fact that I am me. I am Jacob Seigi Silverman. I’ve considered using other names and pronouns, but they didn’t sit right with me. I’ve tried dressing in more traditionally feminine clothing, but I didn’t like how it looked on my body. The way I present myself and experience gender is as a non-binary person because I say it is. There is no rigid definition for being non-binary or transgender or queer. Identity is what you make of it. Social conditioning and gender roles can influence you at any amount and you can still identify as who you are. There are no rules, there is only you. My experience being me and the labels I associate with myself are unique to who I am and are derived from my personal experiences. 

Jay, Iman, and I at Pride 2023

I’ve lost touch with all of the people who introduced me to being queer in middle school and I was never really a part of the online community that furthered my understanding of being queer while I was in high school. I’ve fortunately found community in the people I surround myself with, most of which have been in my life since long before I came out as queer. Many of my friends have come out as queer alongside me and have all gone on journeys of self discovery on their own. I cannot speak for their experiences, but being in an environment where there is no judgment based on gender expression and sexuality has allowed for myself and my friends to express ourselves in any way we want. If people want to use labels, we will use those labels. If people express queer thoughts or actions, we will not rush to place them in a box or assign labels. 

I attended my first Pride in June with my girlfriend and one of my very good friends. Being there made me realize that the ideas I had surrounding gender and sexuality at a very young age are slowly becoming commonplace. An overwhelming sense of joy was present at the celebration and I can’t wait to go back next year. I got my very first non-binary flag in a raffle at Pride, I’m looking at it now as I write this. I’m so happy with how far I’ve come, but understand that as a society, we still have so far to go. I want to work on being a better ally to the LGBTQ+ community outside of my personal circle. I understand I have a lot of privilege coming from my background and I think that I should use that to help others. I am still learning. I hope you learned something from me. Thanks for reading.

On Being Jewish and Japanese

It’s been interesting watching the discourse online surrounding the occupation of Palestine, particularly what is being said by members of the Jewish community. There have been constant reminders on social media to “check in on your Jewish friends” and a looming sense of fear echoed by many American Jews. These fears should and evidently have been taken seriously. Antisemitism is and has always been a rampant issue globally and to not take it seriously would be to ignore thousands of years of genocide and oppression. It is for this reason why I feel it is hypocritical of many American Jews to side with the oppressor when faced with the imminent genocide of an indigenous population. That is not what I want to talk about today however. I, as I know most of us are, am still learning about what is happening in Palestine and the history behind it. It is not our fault that the American education system has negated to teach this part of history but it is our job to make up for it. I encourage you all to do your own research and most importantly to seek out the perspectives of Palestinians who are experiencing the merciless violence first hand. With so much information constantly being circulated, I feel at this time that there is little I can add. What I can offer is my own experiences and perspective as a Jewish person of color living in the United States.

Growing up I was the only non-white passing Jewish person in my Hebrew School class. The other kids lived near each other, had similar interests, and came from similar backgrounds. When they shared about themselves they spoke of playing soccer with each other and having dinner at each other’s houses. When I shared about myself I took pride it my Japanese heritage, something that made me unique. What I neglected to think about at the time was how this made me different. All of the Jews I knew were white, I was not. I could not relate to them completely even if we lived in the same city and had the same amount of Jewish blood. While no one made an effort to exclude me, the disconnect was clear, I was not like them. They found community in something that I could not and my alienation from this is as much their fault as it is mine.

My connection to Judaism lessened significantly after my Bar Mitzvah. There was little reason for me to be involved with the community and there was very little keeping me there either. This is not to say I abandoned Judaism completely; I still made my yearly appearances and High Holy Days services. I would exchange acknowledgements with my former classmates, but as the years passed, even this formality no longer occurred. Soon enough these people I grew up with were unfollowing me on Instagram while still posing in photos with each other. They were taking government sponsored trips to occupied Palestinian territories and treating it as a vacation. I do not blame them entirely for doing this, they evidently do not see the world in the way I do. We have been conditioned to think this way by our government, a government whose history prides itself in colonization and nationalism to a violent extent.

If it feels like I hold a sense of superiority against the people I described, it is because I do. I have the privilege of being able to form the opinions I hold because I am a person of color. White people can never understand this. When the status quo does not work completely in your favor, you are forced to see the systems that keep you out from a broader perspective. When I was the only Japanese kid in a school designed to teach little white kids about their heritage I began to question why I felt alienated. As I grew older and learned more about the world, I was able to put the pieces together; there was a massive part of Jewish history that I hadn’t been taught. I understand why this isn’t talked about in a lot of Jewish circles. After facing centuries of persecution, having something as vile as colonialism associated with our people is incredibly shameful. But as many people Jewish and not-Jewish alike have already said, the Jewish people are not the Israeli government. We as Jews can take an anti-Zionist stance and not be antisemitic. We can take an anti-Zionist stance and not fear being persecuted.

With this acknowledgement it is important to remember that Israel is the oppressor and Palestine is being oppressed. Killing people is bad. It is awful that innocent people in Israel have been killed by Hamas AND their own government. Any basic research will show you that a wildly disproportionate amount of Palestinians have been killed by Israel and that number is increasing rapidly. To continually “call for peace on both sides” is like saying “All Lives Matter.” It is clear that Israel is committing genocide and war crimes against the people of Palestine and there should be no caveat in acknowledging this. Palestine has been backed into a corner, there is no hope for them unless they forcefully remove their oppressor. It is time for a revolution because every other option has been exhausted.

If this idea scares you, if you fear for the Jewish people, I urge you to hear me out. If governments around the world were to feel as passionately about protecting the Jewish communities in their own countries as they do Israel, the Jewish people would have nothing to fear. Around me already I have seen statements issued by schools and government bodies calling for the protection of Jewish people and communities. There is hope in places that Jews already reside. The end of Israel does not mean the end of the Jewish people. Jews can live in the United States, in Poland, in Germany, even in Palestine. If you’re going to say “check in on your Jewish friends” you have to check in on all of them, not just the white ones. If all of your Jewish friends are white, examine why this is. Did you exclude the little biracial kid in your Hebrew school, or did you just never bother to find out if someone shared the same background as you because they didn’t look like you? The Jewish community is small but we reach far and wide and carry all different skin tones. Make sure you check in on your Palestinian friends too. If you don’t have any ask yourself why this is also. I personally don’t have any Palestinian friends and that is something I am conscious of. I surround myself with people like me because it what I have always felt comfortable doing and it is easy. Hopefully one day I can break out of this mindset but I am learning to look within myself and take time to process what I find.

If you think I am ashamed of being Jewish you are mistaken. I love who I am. I love my Jewish father and family and have deep respect for my Rabbi and congregation. My Bar Mitzvah was one of the most rewarding and formative days of my life. I feel a connection to Judaism even if I feel little connection to the Jewish people I grew up with. I love being Jewish, I love being Japanese, I love being me. Free Palestine.

On “Royal Blue Walls” and Gender Identity

Originally written in December 2022 for a class at CU Denver called “Understanding the Social World”

On “Royal Blue Walls” and Gender Identity

Jane Remover is a nineteen year old, New Jersey based artist that has been making music and releasing it under various monikers for the better part of the last decade. Jane first began to gain notoriety in online music communities in early 2021 following the release of their breakthrough self-released EP entitled “Teen Week”. Later that year, Jane would start to receive mainstream attention with the release of their debut album “Frailty” under independent label, deadAir Records. Jane’s quick rise to fame can be attributed to their genre bending production style and deeply personal lyrics. 

There is no better example of these qualities than their 2022 single, “Royal Blue Walls”. This song saw Jane shifting away from the quick paced, glitchy soundscapes that brought them so much initial success, and instead saw them drawing more inspiration from the sounds of bedroom pop and shoegaze. While the production of the track was a welcomed change of pace for Jane, the real standout component was the lyrical content. Jane identifies as trangender and uses they/them and she/her pronouns. While themes of acceptance of her identity from herself and others had been seen before in Jane’s music, “Royal Blue Walls” is especially notable as it served as the first song released under the name “Jane Remover”. Previously, Jane had been using the alias “dltzk” (pronounced “delete Zeke”), and this song was the first formal departure from it. In a statement released alongside the song, Jane wrote, “dltzk reminds me of a period of my life I’d like to move past, and I hope you’ll all understand my reasoning as to why I’m dropping it. I’ve spent enough time facing bigotry in my life, from the closest people in my life to even my own fans,” (Appendix B). 

Thematically, “Royal Blue Walls” delves into the various personal and societal issues Jane has faced due to her gender nonconformity. The first verse details how she has spent most of her teenage years struggling with how she wants to express herself and when she wants to finally be true to her gender identity. The chorus reads as a cry for help as Jane hopes the people around her will be accepting of her identity, but instead her mother praises the cisgender facade she puts on. The second verse describes two of Jane’s neighbors who hold conservative political views that scare Jane. Instead of keeping clear of them, Jane’s parents are friendly with them, much to Jane’s dismay. The third verse of “Royal Blue Walls” is the emotional catharsis of the whole track as Jane lists the things that give her body dysmorphia and imagines running away. Trapped in her own home, she instead chooses to take control of her identity, but receives immense amounts of pushback from her parents and is called a “liar”. This comment causes Jane to disassociate so much from her identity struggle that she self-harms as a coping mechanism. The track ends with Jane finally taking control, realizing that she is alone in her struggle but won’t be satisfied until her dad says he’s proud of her, declaring that her old identity isn’t “coming home,” (Appendix A). 

I chose “Royal Blue Walls” as the primary external source for this project due to its layered lyrical content and intensely personal messaging that holds deep significance in my own life. The lyrics and message also have a strong connection to a number of concepts discussed in this class. The references to a plethora of terms covered during Unit 7 on Gender and Sexuality made this song an obvious choice for reaction and course material correlation. 

As defined by Ferris and Stein, a person’s gender identity is their personal sense of gender, while being transgender is when a person’s personal gender identity is different from the sex they were assigned at birth (Ferris & Stein, 241). The journey of Jane’s transition between gender identities is chronicled in “Royal Blue Walls” through the progression of the song. In the first verse she sings, “Fourteen, I told myself that / At the turn of the decade I'd call it quits / And he sat pretty at the bottom of the pool / With the belt in his hand,” (Appendix A). The “he” in these lines refers to the identity Jane held five years ago, one of a male. In the second verse of the song, Jane describes some of her conservative neighbors, adding the line, “When they say I’m a scary girl,” (Appendix A), in reference to transphobic propaganda spread by right leaning news outlets. By referring to herself as a girl, Jane is coming into the open about her transitioned gender identity. These lines additionally serve as examples of gender expression which is defined as, “an individual’s behavioral manifestations of gender,” (Ferris & Stein, 241). A change in pronouns is often how transgender people outwardly express their gender, which is exactly what Jane does in this song.

Jane continues exemplifying their gender expression in the third verse of the song through the lines, “I'm no stranger to the sink or the razor / Don't stop, watch it fall / The hair on my legs and my arms,” (Appendix A). Heavy amounts of visible body hair is a trait typically associated with men, while women are expected by society to shave their body hair - particularly on their legs and arms. This notion is derived from gender roles that are assigned by society to set expectations for how men and women should behave (Reali, 2022). The reason that gender roles expect women to shave their bodies is because of Secondary Sex Characteristics, or physical traits that are unrelated to reproduction but develop differently between males and females (Ferris & Stein, 241). For the female sex one of these traits is, “smoother skin texture,” (Ferris & Stein, 239). By proclaiming their familiarity with the sink and razor, Jane is expressing how they shave their body hair to appear softer and more feminine. Later on in the verse, Jane sings, “Woke up, dented my face, hoped the best again / Anything to stay away from him,” (Appendix A). Gender roles expect men and women to maintain a certain appearance and look a certain way; an expectation that is instilled in people from the moment they are born (Reali, 2022). Due to the defining qualities of a man and a woman being instilled in Jane for their entire life, they struggle with their gender identity as the way they look does not reflect the identity they hold and the personal and societal expectations that come with it. Because of this, Jane has thoughts of self mutilation, particularly to their face. These thoughts come in the effort to stay away from “him”, a version of themself from the past that is too masculine.

While the concept of gender roles is expressed internally through Jane’s struggle with her appearance, it is also shown externally through the vessel of Jane’s parents. From context throughout Jane’s discography, it can be deduced that the subject of many of the lines in “Royal Blue Walls” are about her mother and father. In the chorus Jane sings, “As she told me / ‘The water here's just fine’,” (Appendix A), as a callback to the preceding verse’s metaphor about sinking to the bottom of a pool. While Jane’s true self remains hidden underwater, her mother floats at the surface, perfectly content with the false sense of security Jane has created by presenting male. Jane’s mother’s adherence and enforcement of gender roles within her child makes her an essentialist, a person who, “see[s] gender as immutable and biological and as an unambiguous, two-category system,” (Ferris & Stein, 241). The emotional climax at the end of the third verse emphasizes these feelings held by Jane’s parents through the repetition of the line, “I’m a no good liar,” (Appendix A), a seemingly sarcastic reference to a name Jane was called by her parents. As stated by the lecture, some societies and people view holding a transgender identity as a mental illness (Reali, 2022). Since Jane’s parents do not believe she is being truthful when she says that she is trans, it is clear that they outwardly identify as essentialists.

  As the song draws to a close, Jane shouts, “I'm a no-good liar / 'Til he says he's proud of me / And I die where I stand / Tell my mother I'm not coming home,” (Appendix A). The “he” in this final section has a possible double meaning. It could be a reference to the male identity Jane held five years ago, and how Jane will not stop until she thinks that he would be proud of her. It is more likely however that it is a reference to Jane’s father, given that the final line is a direct reference to her mother. Cisgender men hold the majority of power in society; making up the vast majority of political leaders in the world, making on average 20% to 30% more than women in the workplace, and maintaining patriarchal control in the average family of many societies worldwide (Reali, 2022). Traditional gender roles emphasize the importance of a strong male figure in a family setting. Because Jane’s parents adhere to the ideals of essentialists, an ideology that puts emphasis on traditional gender roles, it is likely that her father holds a lot of power in her family. By gaining the approval from the man who holds the most power over her, Jane would finally be satisfied.

“Royal Blue Walls” tells the story of Jane Remover’s struggle with their gender identity on both a personal and societal level. It contains lyrics that are well connected to various concepts and terms from Unit 7 on Gender and Sexuality. Through its heartbreaking messaging it shows the harm that not accepting people’s gender identities causes. By utilizing “Royal Blue Walls” as the primary external source for this project, I strive to communicate the importance of understanding gender and how the general perception society has of it needs to change. All of the definitions provided by the coursework make it clear that anything that puts a meaning behind gender and the distinction between people of different sexes is completely fabricated by society to put power in the hands of people born with XY chromosomes. None of the guidelines or expectations put in place about gender are real or backed by biology. There is no reason a person born with XY chromosomes cannot identify with the things that society has deemed as “feminine”. By highlighting the experiences chronicled in this song, I hope to raise awareness for the negative effects that strict traditional gender roles have on people. It can cause them to suppress their identities to the point where they begin to disassociate and harm themselves. It can cause them to feel alone and hopeless, especially when they are a minor and cannot risk moving away from the people who provide them with the means to live. Jane Remover communicates all of these ideas through one six minute track and does it in a way that is completely personal to their own experiences, but is also so relatable to the experiences of gender noncomforming people everywhere. By sharing their innermost thoughts and deepest personal experiences through a song, Jane has reached a point where they feel comfortable sharing their truth with the world. As stated by Jane during the release of the song, “Just so everyone is in the loop now, and I don’t have to keep beating around the bush: my name is Jane, from now on I make music as Jane Remover, and that’s all there is to it. / “Royal Blue Walls” is a song about… yeah,” (Appendix B).

Appendix A

The lyrics to “Royal Blue Walls” by Jane Remover.

[Verse 1]

Fourteen, I told myself that

At the turn of the decade I'd call it quits

And he sat pretty at the bottom of the pool

With the belt in his hand

Sixteen, I told myself that

If we wanna keep it off, we've gotta get our act together

So I watched him sink to the floor

So I wouldn't have to do it myself

[Chorus]

Tore off my mouth, I prayed the birds sang my name

If they ever get up, they'll sell me short, throw me away

As she told me "The water here's just fine"

But I woke up in your outfit and my life's still the same

[Verse 2]

The guy next door with flags in his garage

Said he's not worth the harm but you still got his number

He wishes I was gone and you still let him run?

God forbid I get a little scared

The guy next door, he likes to shoot for fun

And they all love him for it

And on the TV he sits down and watches

When they say I'm a scary girl

[Chorus]

Tore off my mouth, I prayed the birds sang my name

If they ever get up, they'll sell me short, throw me away

As she told me "The water here's just fine"

But I woke up in your outfit and my life's still the same

Woke up in your outfit and my life's still the same

[Verse 3]

I'm no stranger to the sink or the razor

Don't stop, watch it fall

The hair on my legs and my arms

The hair on my legs and my arms

The hair on my legs and my arms

Woke up, dented my face, hoped the best again

Anything to stay away from him

Said I dreamt of something last night

Road run, love to use, play me for a fool

And I deal my own cards now

But somehow I'm still never satisfied, satisfied, satisfied

I'm a no-good liar

But I'll black out for a week

Burn a hole in my hand

All alone, all alone, all alone

I'm a no-good liar

'Til he says he's proud of me

And I die where I stand

Tell my mother I'm not coming home

Appendix B

A statement from Jane Remover released alongside “Royal Blue Walls”.

The stage name dltzk has never sat right with me. Oftentimes in interviews or during conversations, I struggle to get the name out of my mouth. Originally being a username I’d conjured when I was a kid, it reminds me of what I’ve been doing with my teen years… hiding. The best way to figure out who you really are is through honest self-expression and I’d prefer to start anew. 

With that being said, most people know I’m not very fond of my EP ‘Teen Week;’ it encapsulates a gradual acceptance of my own true self. While making that project, years ago, I was not in the same headspace, as I currently am today. I was much younger… I was a teen (LOL) and I was still learning how to navigate life. I’m not comfortable with the project as it currently is, so in the next coming weeks, that EP will be abridged to a version more of my liking.

dltzk reminds me of a period of my life I’d like to move past, and I hope you’ll all understand my reasoning as to why I’m dropping it. I’ve spent enough time facing bigotry in my life, from the closest people in my life to even my own fans. I know, for a fact, who I am and what I stand for. Just so everyone is in the loop now, and I don’t have to keep beating around the bush: my name is Jane, from now on I make music as Jane Remover, and that’s all there is to it.

“Royal Blue Walls” is a song about… yeah.

Works Cited

Ferris K. & Stein, J.. (2020). (7th Edition). The Real World: An Introduction to Sociology. W.W.

Norton and Company. New York, NY.

Reali, C. (2022). Gender and Sexuality. Lecture 7 notes from Chapter #9. SOCY 1001-E02

Understanding the Social World, UCD Fall 2022.

Reali, C. (2022). Gender and Sexuality. Lecture 8 notes from Chapter #9. SOCY 1001-E02

Understanding the Social World, UCD Fall 2022.

Remover, Jane. “Royal Blue Walls.” Royal Blue Walls., deadAir Records, 2022, track 1. Spotify,

open.spotify.com/album/1O9lX0T7wx1JvE0Wu3Vstw?highlight=spotify:track:4AwEBnyhdSFQqPGRRJ3Ph1.

Remover, Jane [@janeremover]. “Jane Remover – Royal Blue Walls – out now.” Twitter, 26 June

2022, https://twitter.com/janeremover/status/1541270344706625538.